Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Time heals everything 🙂
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.