Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
I need to get some bricks…
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Lassie, get help!
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.