Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Look Ma, no handle on things

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?