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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me linking you to my twitter
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts