@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

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@beefman138

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

@DearAuntAbby

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

@jrza84

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

@velvettusk

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@bggas400

She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.

Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.

@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go