Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.


My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.


Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.


[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.


In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.

Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.


Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok


Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go