Xylophonist Shredding It
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Give us this day our daily internet validation
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*