Xylophonist Shredding It
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
necessity is the mother of invention
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Cheers Twitter.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks