Xylophonist Shredding It
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.