Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

dads on road-trips be like

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

Time heals everything 🙂

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

honestly, i need both:

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.