Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
