Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The big book of baby names but for safe words
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*