Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.