Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

i was dropped as an adult

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*