Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose