Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about