Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You Might Also Like
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Boom, boom, ching!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.