Yaba daba do not resuscitate
You Might Also Like
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Kermit goes Blue.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad