Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you