Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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saving face 👀
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
out-housing market appears to be strong
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS