Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
dead inside
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music