Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Last-minute gift idea!
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?