Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal