Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started