Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”