Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.