Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.