Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.