Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.