Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.