Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

real

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Actually cracking up @ this

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]