yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
This anagram machine is out of order.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
i think both sides are to blame here
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill