Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, too, girl. me, too.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.