Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.