Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Nice try, NASA
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape