[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Need this in my life lol
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy