Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The fall of Netflix
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.