Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Banana is the quietest snack

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in