Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Proctologist = Analyst

Jogging

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Not with that attitude

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?