y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN