Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.