Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Showerkraut
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes