Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just parrot things

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him