Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
i prefer mine room temperature.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science