Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked