Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

When I snag the last meatball.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

It’s so cool how computers have made life simpler I tell myself and all 36,759 of my unread emails.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Autocarrot sucks!