Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
No, YOUR illiterate.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs