Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?