Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now