Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken