Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
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Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
A friend helps you before you need it
knights of the ikea table
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.