Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Finally!
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*