y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The fall of Netflix
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life