Y’all I’m dead AF over this πππππππβ οΈβ οΈβ οΈ
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says whatβs with the credit card bill.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Youβre a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
always baffles me that anyone thought βdid it hurt when you fell from heaven?β was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
literally anyone: βwould you like some ice cream?β
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] βooo yes pleaseβ
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day itβs like oh no they called you in on your day off
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold heβs a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.