Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

S O O N

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

My ideal weight is five million dollars

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff