Yโall Iโm dead AF over this ๐๐๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐ญโ ๏ธโ ๏ธโ ๏ธ
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and heโs halfway to Canada.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabularyโs ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Whenever I say bad words like โdietโ, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Things I canโt tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Donโt lick that.
Donโt hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Donโt eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Donโt bite.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didnโt die. Now Iโm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: Iโm really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. Youโre heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didnโt, I repeat didnโt, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways Iโm grounded.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house youโre selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
guys you should DM random girls shit like
โI heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babeโ
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: thatโs not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
her: come over Iโm naked
me: ok Iโll bring some clothes
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, donโt eat it. #FathersDay
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
โHow can I help you sir?โ
One clothes please!
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wifeโs life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
wife: Iโm leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no itโs because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says โuh oh spaghetti-osโ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me Iโll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Monday Lisa
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Expectant Parent: Whatโs it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Donโt worry, youโll learn.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesnโt give me a lot of faith in the process
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just canโt reproduce.