Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

ㅤ

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

The pasta is now

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.