Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015