Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.