Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
you stereotypes are all alike
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
i wish i could marry a nap
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
#winning
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
