Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related