Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
You Might Also Like
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.