Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
RT if you could go either way.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.