Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Mornin. * use accordingly
