Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.