Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM