Y’all know who you are.
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!