Y’all know who you are.
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Every work call, he judges.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.