Y’all know who you are.
You Might Also Like
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT