Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Squirrels before girls.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”