y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.