y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
You Might Also Like
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Easy enough.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years