y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Favourite diary entry ever
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
shit just got real
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
dam girl
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped