Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

called in thicc to work this morning

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix