y鈥檃ll made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y鈥檃ll now 馃拃
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Owls only seem clever because they鈥檙e nocturnal. All the people you鈥檙e comparing them to are drunk.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
you鈥檙e supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that鈥檚 why it鈥檚 called a chest.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you鈥檙e a fan of buildings I鈥檝e got some bad news for you.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom