Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Smells like a challenge to me

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: