y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics