y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”