y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
kitchen magnet
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”