y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.