y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Vodka burrito was a success
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.