y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now