y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”