y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
This fish is cracking me up
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?